How to build a better mouse trap....

I've always wondered about this, although I have personally not experienced this problem. What if, in the quiet of a morning, an unwanted intruder in the form of a mouse enters the tranquility of morning ablutions? Wanda, what would you do?

Just wondering ...
The Mouse without A House

Okay, here's what I would do...

This works best when one is in the middle of one's most personal and delicate of ablutions in the morning (read naked from the waist down):

When your sweet SO calls from the other room, "Honey, can you come here?" Go. There you will likely find your SO tilting the filing cabinet so it stands on only one edge. "I think the mouse is under there and I am afraid to set this down and squish it."

Check the bottom of the cabinet. You will likely find that there is a plinth so that the mouse will not be squished. Set the cabinet down. Then look at each other and say, "At least we know where it is. Now what do we do?"

Wait for SO to get a cup from the bathroom and return to the area; then, tilt the filing cabinet so that the drawers slide out and bang you in the shins. (This is not necessary, but it does add some color--both to the event and to the skin.)

When SO chases the mouse from the hiding place, yell to the cat, "Get it!" and watch as he nonchalantly turns his head to see the small rodent dash past him into the bathroom.

You and SO run into the bathroom behind the rodent. Shut the French doors and the door to the walk-in closet while SO is trying to catch the mouse behind the scale.

When the mouse heads back toward the French door, you are ready. (If you remember that you are not wearing any pants, this next step becomes even funnier.) Play goalie. When the mouse heads for the gap under the door, stick your foot in his path. When he runs up your bare leg, give a kick that flings him free, but not so far that he can't make another run for the door.

This time, try to block him with your foot, miss, and watch in amazement as he crawls through the very small space under the door.

Fling the door open and yell to the other cat, "Get him!" As the cat overshoots and runs beyond the mouse, trap the critter behind the pile of pillows in the bedroom. Lift the pillows carefully and watch the mouse run in the same direction the cat went, as SO yells, "Don't let him get into my office. We'll never find him."

Perhaps the mouse will realize that the cat is in the office and will choose to hide behind the pile of stuff on the floor in the hallway. Grab a pillow from the the bedroom to block one end of the opening. While SO kneels down with the cup, pull the pile away from the wall so that SO lies in wait with the trap at the only opening.

VOILA! The mouse's tail will stick out under the rim of the cup and SO can slip a piece of paper under it. Then SO takes the mouse outside for release where it quivers and quakes until it decides it is safe, whereupon, it gives itself a bath.

Remember that you have no pants on and get a good laugh at yourself. That's what I did.

I mean, that's what I'd do.

Since you asked...

Wanda

You may send your questions to whatwouldwandado@comcast.net or post them by clicking on "comments" below.

Live up to a new diagnosis...

Wanda,

Sorry to bother you with this but it seems my soon-to-be-ex-wife is spending time trying to diagnose me. She even e-mailed it to my parents. Antisocial Personality Disorder? Huh? Me? I am open to any possibility... but...

Is there a term for someone who spends so much time without any education yet trying to diagnose someone else?

I am confounded... What would Wanda do?

Forever yours,
Jason Darling


Dear Jason...darling,

I consulted my learned colleague, a psychologist, regarding the diagnosis question. Her response? "Someone with no education who spends a lot of time trying to diagnose someone else is a fool."

Your S2BX wife seems to clutching at straws and trying to get everyone on her side. How sad...especially, since that kind of behavior usually backfires. Going through a divorce is difficult under any circumstances and the best possible approach is to make it a non-adversarial process. Too bad she is not able to do that.

I would suggest, however, that you do whatever is needed to be diagnosed as a Duck:

• Let it roll off your back.
• Have the ability to float on anything (even sh*t) and keep your bill above the water line.
• No matter what someone says to you or about you, your response is "QUACK!" (That's hard to misinterpret.)
• When the season comes, fly south for the winter and north for the summer.
• If you see a hunter (especially one who looks like your wife) with a gun (or a diagnosis) fly higher.
• Stay out of range of birdshot until you are over the game reserve then circle in for a landing (it is illegal to shoot a duck over the reserve).
• Travel in a V with your friends.
• If you are in Oregon, wear green and gold.

If you need more diagnostic criteria, I am sure we can come up with some.

Hang in there, Jason. That's what I would do.

Wanda

You may send your questions to whatwouldwandado@comcast.net or post them by clicking on "comments" below.